For once, you can't save me
by UKClaire
Summary: Hermione is not happy with herself and her life


For once, you can't save me (1/1)  
  
Summary - Hermione is unhappy with herself and her life  
  
Rating - PG at present  
  
Spoilers - all four books  
  
Disclaimer - all characters within this story are the property of JK Rowling - no money is being made and no copyright infringement is intended  
  
A/N - this is my first HP fiction so please go easy on me!! I know this is pretty serious subject matter and I do not presume to know everything about eating disorders - I apologise in advance if this offends some people.  
  
  
  
For once you can't save me  
  
The mirror, as usual, spoke it's mind. Telling her that she 'looked dreadful' - she glared at it before splashing her face with the cold water that was pooling in the sink. She turned the shower on and turned back to the mirror while the water heated up. She frowned at the reflection in the mirror, unhappy with the changes that had happened to her body over the last few months. She was filling out, suddenly finding for the first time in her life that she had to watch what she ate and she had been, nothing too drastic, just cutting back on the sweets and cakes, but to no avail. The pounds still appeared to be piling on. She grabbed the flesh at her waist and she grimaced at the amount of flesh that she was able to pinch. Her mother was going to be shocked at having to buy new school clothes so soon because she couldn't get into her old ones.  
  
She sighed and grabbed a towel from the rack, stepping into the shower and letting the warm water wash away the tears that she didn't bother to keep at bay.  
  
Emerging from the bathroom fifteen minutes later she headed downstairs, scanning the room she was not surprised to see Ron and Harry huddled together on two sofas in the corner. They were talking Quidditch tactics, something that had been a constant thing since Ron had been chosen as the new Gryffindor keeper on Oliver Woods' graduation from the school.  
  
She crossed the room and sat next to Harry on the sofa, he turned and smiled at her, placing a hand on her knee before resuming his conversation with Ron. She grabbed hold of his fingers, twining them with hers as she half-heartedly listened to their conversation. She half wished that she had the courage to pull Harry aside and tell him how she was feeling, she knew that he would reassure her and make her feel better, albeit temporarily, but something was stopping her.  
  
The three were experiencing a pleasant 'danger free' time at the moment, Voldemort had been defeated the previous summer and all seemed peaceful in the wizarding world. She knew it was a good thing, thankful that for the first time in a long time Harry had no worries plaguing his dreams. The last thing he needed was a hormonal girlfriend who was feeling a bit depressed. She laid her head back against the sofa and Harry shifted to lean back with her, pulling their entwined hands to his lips and kissing her fingers.  
  
'You okay?' he had turned to look at her.  
  
'Hmm - yeah, I'm fine' she stared up at him, summoning a small smile.  
  
He didn't look convinced and leaned over to place a kiss on her forehead 'you sure??, you know you can tell me anything Mione'.  
  
She nodded, smiling at his consideration 'I know Harry, thanks' she reached up and placed a soft kiss on his lips, lingering longer than intended when his hand entwined into her hair.  
  
Ron clearing his throat interrupted them and they pulled apart reluctantly before turning to glare at him. He held his hands in the air 'hey don't look at me, I was just voicing the opinion of the common room' he swept a hand towards the room but laughed when he realised that only the three of them remained, the others either departing for breakfast in the great hall or to Hogsmead for the day. 'On that note, I think I'll leave you two to it, are we still up for Hogsmead Harry?'  
  
'Yes, do you want to go after breakfast, in a couple of hours or so, that way we can miss the first crush'  
  
Thinking back Hermione couldn't remember the last time she and Harry had managed some time alone recently - they were dating now, had been since the middle of their fifth year but feeling guilty about neglecting Ron in the early part of their relationship he was now over-compensating by spending a lot more time with him. She didn't begrudge it, she knew that his friendship with Ron was important to him, but it was always Harry spending time with her or, more recently, Harry spending time with Ron. She was finding herself feeling more and more pushed out as the threesome became a twosome, they were still friends, she knew, but they never seemed to take any interest in her and her life anymore. All danger had been eradicated with the defeat of Voldermort so the famous threesome were not needed at present.  
  
She left Ron and Harry to their Quidditch talk and headed out of the common room and down to breakfast, knowing that it was still early but not wanting to remain in the common room for longer than necessary. The Gryffindor table was, as usual, piled high with vast amounts of waffles and pancakes and she had to search further up the table to find some fruit. She settled finally on a grapefruit and trudged back to her seat to eat it.  
  
Before she was finished a shadow fell across the table and she found herself looking up into the face of a sneering Malfoy 'very healthy Granger, it's about time you took your weight seriously' he turned to Crabbe and Goyle who were lurking next to him 'we were just wondering if your broom snapped with all of the excess baggage it has to carry now'.  
  
She glared up at him, resisting the urge to grab her wand and curse him. She chose instead to ignore him, returning to her grapefruit with a frown. Malfoy, upset at not receiving a remark that he could retaliate to, glanced at Crabbe and shrugged, pushing past her as he headed back to the Slytherin table.  
  
She was joined moments later by Harry and Ron who were still talking tactics, they pulled up the stools next to her and tucked into plates of waffles, barely acknowledging her presence. She leant towards them, trying to show an interest but Ron gave her a weird look and reminded her that she hated Quidditch. She glared at him 'I don't hate it Ron, I go to all of the matches don't I?'.  
  
'Yes' he swallowed the waffle that was still rolling around in his mouth 'but only to watch Harry - anyway I thought you'd be glad that I talk to Harry about Quidditch, it means I spend less time teasing you'.  
  
She turned back to her plate, not wanting to admit that she actually missed his teasing, at least that was some form of verbal contact with him. He took her silence as the end of the conversation and turned back to the mountain of waffles on his plate.  
  
She finished the fruit and sat back on her stool, the incessant rumbling of her stomach catching the attention of Harry who was next to her.  
  
'Is that all you're eating for breakfast?'  
  
She nodded, mumbling 'I'm trying to lose some weight' under her breath.  
  
He raised an eyebrow at her 'you don't need to lose any weight Herm'.  
  
This comment earned a snort from Ron who sat opposite him 'yeah, what's the big deal Hermione, it's not as if anybody is going to notice anyway. It's only really us that you talk to and we don't care what you look like'. Harry kicked him under the table and he glanced at him before continuing 'what I mean is -'  
  
'I don't care what you mean, thanks for making me feel better' she stared down at the empty plate in front of her, trying to ignore the delicious aroma that was wafting across to her from Ron's plate.  
  
'Why don't you join the kick-boxing lessons that McGonnagle is starting, that will help you lose some if you feel you need to' Harry smiled at her 'but for what it's worth, I think you are fine the way you are Mione'.  
  
'Thanks Harry' she pushed her plate away from her, rising from her seat 'look I'd better get going, I need to get to the library and I left my books in my room 'have fun in Hogsmead, see you when you get back'.  
  
Harry nodded, squeezing her hand as she passed him on her way out. When she was gone her turned to glare at Ron 'why do you always have to get at her?'  
  
Ron raised his eyebrows, gulping his food noisily 'what?, I was only joking'.  
  
'I know, it's just-'  
  
'What?'  
  
'I think she's been feeling a bit low lately and the last thing she needs is you sniping at her'.  
  
'I'm sorry Harry - I always figured she knows that I am joking' he pushed his plate away, looking Harry in the eye 'you know how much she means to me Harry, I would never do anything to hurt-'  
  
Harry held a hand up 'I know Ron, all I'm saying is can you lay off for a while, be her friend'.  
  
Ron nodded, smiling 'Friend? - that'll be a new concept'.  
  
Harry swatted at him as he stood 'come on, let's get going, the second lot of carriages will be leaving soon and we need to get a seat'.  
  
~~**~~  
  
The following Saturday  
  
Ron and the rest of Gryffindor house were out of the common room, most of them at Hogsmead for the day. Hermione had wanted to stay behind to catch up on her Transfiguration homework, which she was trying to gain extra credit with, Harry had decided to stay behind with her to see if she was willing to divulge what had been bothering her lately. She was perched on the sofa with books scattered around her when Harry emerged from his dorm room.  
  
'Hey sweetheart' he crossed the room to stand in front of her.  
  
'Hey, I thought you went to Hogsmead with Ron?'  
  
He shook his head and began moving the books from next to her to make room to sit down 'Nah, I decided to stay back here and spend some quality time with my beautiful girlfriend'. He was looking as he settled beside her as he said this and didn't see the look of joy that crossed her face.  
  
She leaned over and kissed his cheek 'I feel like I have barely spoken to you lately'.  
  
He turned to look at her, taking in her drawn features 'I'm sorry Mione, I'm just trying to repair some of the damage with Ron'.  
  
She reached down and grabbed the hand that was reached out towards her 'it's ok Harry, I know there were good intentions behind it'.  
  
He leaned over, rubbing his free hand tiredly over his eyes 'I keep screwing things up'.  
  
She looked confused 'what do you mean? You haven't screwed anything up'.  
  
'It's so hard trying to split myself in two and spend time with each of you'.  
  
'I don't want you to split yourself in half Harry, I'm not complaining, I know how important your friendship with Ron is and I never want to come before that'.  
  
'But you should Mione, you're my girlfriend and you're important to me. If you have been feeling neglected lately then I am obviously doing something wrong'.  
  
She shook her head vehemently 'Harry, stop, you're not doing anything wrong'. She turned sideways on the sofa and forced him to look at her 'I don't feel neglected, I know I'm important to you and it's good that we spend some time apart, it just always..'  
  
'Always what?'  
  
'I haven't got anybody else apart from you and Ron and so when you and he are spending time together, I am pretty much alone'.  
  
Her words sunk in for a moment before he spoke again 'I didn't think, I just always assumed that you wouldn't want to spend time with the two of us'.  
  
'Of course I do Harry, Ron's is my friend too'.  
  
'What do we do then?'  
  
She rubbed her forehead tiredly 'I don't know Harry, but I hate myself for feeling this way..so needy'.  
  
He reached over and gathered her into his arms 'I'm sorry Herm'.  
  
She clung onto him 'don't be, it's just me and my stupid hormones!'  
  
He pulled back smiling 'those pesky hormones!' Are we okay?'  
  
'We've always been okay Harry'.  
  
He captured her lips in a sweet kiss, groaning softly as she moved closer and deepened it. The sudden need to pull her as close as possible overwhelmed him and he wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her firmly onto his lap, her legs straddling his thighs. She giggled as he did this and he pulled back smiling 'you're not supposed to be laughing at me Mione'.  
  
'I'm not laughing at you Harry' she inched closer to his waiting mouth 'anything but'. She leaned in and kissed him again, their mouths immediately opening allowing each other access. Harry broke away and turned his attention to her neck, kissing his way down and over her collarbone.  
  
She leaned her head against the back of the sofa, a soft moan escaping her mouth 'that feels so good Harry'.  
  
He grinned against her neck 'for me too' he looked back up at her face 'I've missed you..and this'.  
  
'Me too'.  
  
They continued the kissing for a few minutes more before reclining against the sofa Harry laying against the back with Hermione facing him. He ran a finger idly up her side, pulling back to look at her closely 'have you lost weight?'  
  
She couldn't suppress the grin that escaped 'you noticed?.  
  
'Yes I noticed Mione, I'm surprised I didn't before now. You look good'.  
  
'Thank you'.  
  
'But you're not going to lose anymore right - you're going to start wasting away' he smiled down at her, wiggling his eyebrows 'I like something to grab hold of'.  
  
She slapped his shoulder, smiling 'now you're talking, grab away Potter'.  
  
~~*~~  
  
The next day  
  
Harry and Hermione were face to face on the sparring mat, they were suddenly spurred into movement when the rest of the class began moving. Hermione began with a waist high kick which Harry was able to avoid, he spun round and knocked her off her feet with his leg. She glared up at him and stood quickly, resuming her battle stance, they continued with several punches and kicks that were quickly deflected. Hermione tried to kick out at Harry but he caught her leg and forced her to the floor, grinning as he pinned her down with his thighs, his hand holding her arms on the floor 'surrender?' he raised an eyebrow at her.  
  
She tried to stand by wildly swinging her legs but he was too strong. She glared up at him as he stood, refusing the hand that he held out to help her up.  
  
She was next drawn against Ron who had lost his match against Neville. In the past their matches had always been won by Hermione, Ron not quite rid of the clumsiness that had always plagued him. He was physically stronger than her but slow with it and she usually out-fought him with her speed. This time, however, was different. Already feeling light-headed through lack of food that morning she found herself worn out from her bout with Harry. She was becoming over-powered by him and tried to summon the last of her flagging strength for a last flurry of kicks. As she spun on the first kick she suddenly felt the floor fall out from beneath her, the last thing she saw before she blacked-out was Ron's concerned face rushing towards her.  
  
'Harry!' Ron glanced across the room from Hermione's prone body. Harry stopped what he was doing, causing Neville to be released from his neck hold and fall do the floor with a pained thud.  
  
He was as her side in second and the rest of the students backed away at his request. She looked pale, too pale and as he held a hand to her forehead he was shocked at how warm she felt. He looked up at Ron who was crouched opposite him 'she must be sick..I'm going to take her to Madam Pomphrey, can you bring our stuff?  
  
Ron nodded, grabbing everything as Harry carefully lifted her into his arms. They quietly left the hall, conscious of the stares of the student's behind them 'she feels really light Ron'.  
  
Ron tried to grin 'isn't that a good thing when you're having to carry her'.  
  
Harry stared down into her sleeping face before looking back at Ron, concern written in his eyes 'I've carried her before, in the second year and the beginning of last year but she feels lighter than she even did then'.  
  
Ron looked puzzled and slowed his step as Harry adjusted her prone body until she was more comfortable.  
  
'It just doesn't make sense Ron, she should be heavier, not this light'.  
  
'Maybe it's because she's sick, she has been kinda quiet lately'.  
  
'I hope that's all it is'.  
  
They arrived at Madam Pomphreys moments later and tried to follow her as she was whisked away but they were stopped as the hospital doors swung shut in their faces.  
  
~~**~~  
  
One hour later  
  
Both boys were quiet as they sat perched on one of the benches outside the hospital wing.  
  
'Have you noticed her eating much lately?  
  
Ron looked up from staring at his feet 'No less than normal, I think, I mean she has been eating more fruit and stuff but..'  
  
'I've been thinking back and I don't think I've seen her eat a full meal in weeks, she either skips dinner or just pushes the food around her plate. I should have noticed this'.  
  
'We don't know what's wrong with her yet, it may just be flu or something. She's not stupid Harry, I don't think Hermione would do anything like that, she's just not like that'.  
  
'I don't know, you said so yourself Ron, she's been distant lately and spending less and less time with us'.  
  
'Maybe you're just feeling bad because you've been spending more time with me'.  
  
'I know she's been feeling neglected'  
  
Their conversation was cut off when Madam Pomphrey entered the hallway with Professor McGonagal. Harry jumped to his feet immediately  
  
'How is she?'.  
  
Madam Pomphrey sat on the bench beside him, for once in her life looking sympathetic 'I'm quite concerned about her Mr Potter, she is awake now and insists she is fine but I'm not convinced she is. 'Have you noticed any strange behaviour with Hermione lately?'.  
  
Harry glanced at Ron before he answered 'she's been trying to lose some weight and I don't think she's been eating properly'.  
  
'That's what I suspected, she is underweight' she held a hand up at the look of alarm that crossed Harry's face 'not alarmingly so, she's about 10 pounds less than the recommended weight for her age and height, it is still a cause for concern'.  
  
Harry rubbed his hand over his eyes tiredly 'I should have seen this coming, I should've been able to stop it'.  
  
'its not always possible for you to spot it or for you to be able to stop it Mr Potter, people with eating disorders become masters at convincing themselves and others around them that there isn't a problem, that what they are doing is perfectly ordinary'.  
  
'What do we do?'  
  
'As I said it's not reached a dangerous level yet but she can't afford to lose anymore weight, I need you both to try to encourage her to eat, try and bolster her self-esteem-'  
  
'She's not depressed!' Ron nearly jumped up from the bench 'She's been quiet lately but you make it sound like she is suicidal or something'.  
  
'She may appear to be fine on the outside but inside she isn't. I'm no expert on girls with eating disorders but of the few cases I have seen pass through this ward the sufferer is outwardly fine but inside they are usually feeling lonely, unattractive and scared'. She paused to look at the two boys 'it may not be as severe as this in Miss Granger's case, I just need you both to keep an eye on her and her eating habits, come and see me if you have any concerns or questions'.  
  
'Can she leave now?'.  
  
'I told her she could when I came out to see you, I should think she is dressed and ready to go now'.  
  
Harry stood meekly 'can I go and see her'.  
  
'Of course Mr Potter, she's free to leave when she feels up to it'.  
  
~~**~~  
  
Harry approached the room slowly, mentally berating himself for not showing her support when she needed him, how could he not have noticed how far it had gone, he was her boyfriend, it was his job to look after her. Look at where it had got her.  
  
He pushed the ajar door open fully and peered around the frame, Hermione was sitting on the bed facing him, looking down at the hands that were nervously toying with a pulled thread on her jeans. She looked up when he came into the room, his stomach churned at the sight of the unshed tears in her eyes 'hey' he whispered.  
  
'Hey'  
  
He approached her tentatively, for the first time in his life unsure what to say to her. He sat on the edge of the bed next to her and grabbed one of the hands that was still fidgeting in her lap 'how are you feeling?'  
  
She nodded 'okay'.  
  
'You scared the hell out of Ron and I back there, I think you gave him his first grey hair'.  
  
She tried to laugh back but the smile didn't quite reach her eyes 'sorry - it was my own fault, I skipped breakfast and my body just objected'.  
  
'That's not all you've skipped Hermione' he turned to face her 'is it?' he was almost afraid to voice the question.  
  
She shook her head, her lower lip trembling 'I wanted to tell you Harry but I'.  
  
He placed a finger on her lips 'I'm not angry Mione, worried, but not angry, not at you anyway. Did Madam Pomphrey speak to you at all?'.  
  
She shrugged 'a bit - she told me that I collapsed because I skipped breakfast'.  
  
'She told us that you're underweight Hermione'.  
  
She shook her head vehemently 'I'm not Harry..sure I've been dieting but I've still got a long way to go, I'll just make sure I don't skip breakfast anymore'.  
  
'What, you'll just skip lunch and dinner instead? He sighed, trying to keep his temper under control 'Hermione, listen to me, you are underweight, by more than ten pounds. You need to stop'.  
  
'That's ridiculous Harry, I'm fat, look-' she lifted her sweater slightly and pinched her waist, managing to get hold of skin and nothing else '-look fat'.  
  
'That's not fat Mione, that's skin' he pulled her hands away and lowered her sweater 'please you've got to listen to me, I'm begging you, there isn't a spare inch of fat on your body and if you lose anymore weight you'll hurt yourself, please.'.  
  
The look on her face caused her already frayed emotions to crumble and she leant towards him. He pulled her the rest of the way and wrapped his arms firmly around her, feeling her shudder against him 'what can I do Herm?'.  
  
He felt her shake her head against his shoulder 'I don't know Harry, I wish I did but I don't'  
  
'I'm sorry for not helping with whatever you are feeling Hermione, but I want you to know' he pulled back to look her in the eye 'I need you to know that I'm here for you, whatever happens I'm not going anywhere'.  
  
She nodded, the action causing the tears that were precariously balanced to topple over onto her cheeks 'I know Harry, you've always been there for me but this is something you can't help me with. I need to..' she paused, taking a deep breath 'I've been sitting here for the past ten minutes thinking about what Madam Pomphrey said and I can admit I've got a problem but I don't think it's something anyone can help me with, I've got to work through it, whatever it is, in my head'.  
  
He nodded, wiping her cheeks with the pads of his thumbs 'whatever you need - just please don't shut me out, I am going to be with you every step of the way'.  
  
She smiled at him, trying to lighten the atmosphere in the room 'I've got to get my strength back anyway, I can't have Ron beating me in kick-boxing can I?'  
  
He smiled back 'Aww, I think it made his year when he finally began kicking your arse'.  
  
She stood, pulling him up by his hand 'let's get out of here'.  
  
~~**~~  
  
The next morning she was late for breakfast, she glared at the enchanted alarm clock next to her, wondering why it hadn't gone off when it was supposed to. She, Harry & Ron hadn't gone to bed until late the night before, they had finally spent the night chatting, all three of them realising how much they had missed it.  
  
She hurriedly showered and dressed, jogging through the halls to the great hall for breakfast. She quickly crossed the room to her seat between Harry and Ron and plonked herself down on it.  
  
'Morning' she smiled brightly at the two boys smiling at her.  
  
Harry reached across and kissed her 'morning' he whispered against her lips 'sleep well?'  
  
'Mmm, almost too well, hence the rush!' she turned to look at the table in front of her, the plates still virtually full even though they were at the tail end of breakfast and most of the students had eaten. She scanned the food laid out, instinctively looking for some fruit in amongst all of the other things. She glanced at Harry, seeing him fidget nervously in his chair, he and Ron glancing uncomfortably at each other.  
  
'Excuse me' she reached past Ron and grabbed some toast from the rack next to him, she placed it on her plate and spread some butter thinly over it. She felt Harry take a hold of her hand reassuringly. 'Lighten up you two' she scolded 'look I'm eating, not much granted but it's a lot - to me'.  
  
They both nodded, smiling 'you've got to start somewhere Hermione'.  
  
~~**~~  
  
The End  
  
A/N - Well, that's it for now, sorry it's a bit short. I am probably going to leave it there unless you guys want to read more, let me know and I'll think about writing a sequel or extending it further ( 


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